You see them. That person across the coffee shop or the intriguing profile on your feed. Your heart does a little flip, and then… you freeze. Knowing how to approach someone you like feels like one of the highest-stakes tests in the world. The fear of rejection, of fumbling your words, or just being plain awkward can be paralyzing.
But what if you had a clear playbook? What if you saw that making the first move isn’t a terrifying leap, but a series of small, manageable steps? This guide is that playbook. We’ll cover how to approach someone and make a genuine connection in just about every situation, from real-life public spaces to sliding into their DMs.
How to Approach Someone You Like
Before you say a single word, the most important work happens inside your own head. Your mindset and your reading of the situation will determine 90% of your success.
Check Your Mindset
First, take a deep breath. This is a low-stakes interaction, not a life-or-death performance. You’re not trying to “win” them; you’re simply opening a door to see if there’s a connection. Reframe “rejection” as “incompatibility” or “bad timing.” If they’re not receptive, it’s not a judgment on your worth. They might be busy, in a relationship, or just having a bad day.
“People get paralyzed by the fear of a negative outcome,” says Dr. Alana subscribing, a social psychologist and communication coach. “But a simple ‘no, thank you’ is just information. The truly negative outcome is letting your anxiety stop you from ever finding out.”
Read the Room (and Their Body Language)
This is the most critical skill. Before you approach, look for signals.
- Green Lights (Please Approach!): They’ve made eye contact with you more than once. They’re smiling in your general direction. Their body language is open (arms uncrossed, facing outward).
- Red Lights (Do Not Disturb): They are wearing headphones. They are intently focused on work or a book. They are in a deep, serious conversation. Their body language is closed off (hunched over, arms crossed).
Ignoring “red light” signals is the number one way to make someone feel uncomfortable. Respecting their space is the first step to showing you’re a considerate person.
How to Approach Someone in Public
The context of your approach matters. What works at a bar will fail at a gym. Here’s how to handle the most common real-life scenarios.
1. At a Coffee Shop
The vibe here is low-key, casual, and often solitary.
- The Tactic: Use your shared environment. The easiest opener is a simple, situational question.
- The Script: “I’m sorry to interrupt, but I’m in a rut and always get the same thing. That looks amazing, what is it?” or “I couldn’t help but notice the book you’re reading. I’m a huge fan of that author. What do you think of that one?”
- The Follow-up: Based on their answer, you can introduce yourself. “I’m [Name], by the way. I’m just over there.” If they smile and seem open, the conversation can continue. If they give a short answer and look back at their laptop, wish them a good day and move on.
2. At the Park
The park is a “prop-friendly” environment, which makes approaching much easier.
- The Tactic: Use the “prop”—usually a dog, a book, or a “what are you doing” question.
- The Script (Dog): The dog opener is a classic for a reason. “Your dog is absolutely beautiful! What breed?” People love talking about their pets.
- The Script (No Dog): “This might be a random question, but I’m new to this park. Is that trail over there a good loop?” or “It’s a perfect day for this. Mind if I share this bench?”
3. At the Gym
This is expert mode. The gym is a “no-go” zone for many people. They are focused, sweaty, and “in the zone.” Interrupting someone mid-set is the biggest gym faux pas.
- The Tactic: You must wait for a clear break. The only acceptable places are near the water fountain, the smoothie bar, or when you are both clearly done and packing up.
- The Script: “Hey, I see you here all the time and I’m impressed by your dedication. I just wanted to introduce myself, I’m [Name].” or “Hey, I’m about to try this machine, do you have any quick tips? You look like you know what you’re doing.”
- The Key: Keep it incredibly brief. If they seem open, great. If not, respect their workout and let it go.
4. At a Networking Event
This is the easiest scenario because everyone is there for the same reason: to connect.
- The Tactic: Be direct and professional (at first).
- The Script: Walk up with a smile and an open hand. “Hi, I’m [Name] from [Company/Industry]. What brought you to the event today?” or “That was a great panel. What did you think of the speaker’s point on [Topic]?”
- The Follow-up: If you feel a personal spark beyond the professional, you can pivot. “I know we’re here for work, but I’m really enjoying this chat. Would you be open to grabbing a coffee sometime outside of all this?”
How to Approach Someone at a Bar or Party
This is the classic social setting. People are here to mingle, the vibe is relaxed, and the expectation of being approached is high.
- The Tactic 1: The Eye ContactBefore you even move, try to make eye contact. A simple smile and a “cheers” gesture from across the room can do all the work for you. If they smile and hold your gaze, that’s a wide-open invitation to walk over.
- The Tactic 2: The Direct and Confident OpenerThis is often the most appreciated. Walk up, give a little space, and be honest.
- The Script: “Hi, my name is [Name]. I saw you from over there and I just had to come say hello.” It’s simple, confident, and respectful.
- The Tactic 3: The Group ApproachIf they’re with friends, it can be intimidating. Don’t try to isolate them immediately. Approach the group with a smile.
- The Script: “Hey everyone, you all look like you’re having the most fun in the bar. Are you celebrating something?” Engage the group for a moment, then naturally turn to the person you’re interested in: “I’m [Name], by the way.”
- The Pro-Move: Buy a round for your group and their group (if the vibe is right). It’s a generous, old-school move that works.
A respectful, confident opener is something many people struggle with, but it’s a learnable skill. It’s a core topic in our dating tips for men guide, emphasizing that confidence and respect are the ultimate combination.
How to Approach Someone Online
Sliding into the DMs is the modern-day “walking across the room.” The rules are different, but the goal is the same: start a genuine conversation.
On Facebook
Facebook is tricky because it’s built on “real life” connections. A random message can feel creepy if not handled well.
- The Tactic: You must have a reason. A mutual friend or a mutual group is your golden ticket.
- The Script (Mutual Friend): “Hey [Name], this is a bit random, but I see we’re both friends with [Friend’s Name]. I saw your comment on their post and it made me laugh. I’m [Your Name], nice to ‘meet’ you!”
- The Script (Mutual Group): “Hey, I saw your post in the [Local Hiking Group] about [Trail]. I’ve been meaning to go! I’m [Your Name], by the way.”
- The Key: A simple “hey” or “add friend” with no context is almost always a bad idea.
On Instagram
Instagram is the most common platform for the modern approach. Replying to a Story is the #1, lowest-pressure way to do it.
- The Tactic (Replying to a Story): Their Story is a real-time invitation to comment. If they post a song, “This is one of my favorite artists.” If they post a plate of food, “That looks incredible. What’s the restaurant?” It’s casual and tied to a specific thing they just shared.
- The Tactic (The DM): This is a bit bolder. Do not just say “hey.” Reference their content.
- The Script: “Hey [Name], I’ve been following you for a bit and I just have to say I love your [photography/hiking shots/style]. You have a really great eye. I’m [Your Name].”
- The Tactic (Commenting): Commenting on a post is public, so keep it non-creepy. “This is an amazing shot!” is better than “Wow, you’re beautiful.”
These online strategies are universal. As our 15 online dating tips for women in 2025 points out, sending a great, thoughtful first message is an act of empowerment and sets the tone for the entire interaction.
How to Approach Someone for a Hookup (The Mature Topic)
Let’s talk about the direct approach for a casual connection. This topic makes many people uncomfortable, but it all comes down to one thing: honesty and respect.
- Honesty is Non-Negotiable: The biggest mistake is misleading someone. Don’t pretend you want a relationship to get a hookup. It’s cruel and disrespectful.
- Dating Apps are Your Best Tool: This is what they’re for! Use platforms where you can be upfront about your intentions. It’s the most respectful way to find people who are on the same page.
- In-Person Clarity: If you meet someone at a bar and the chemistry is sizzling, you can be direct (and respectful).
- The Script: “I’m really attracted to you and I’m having a great time. I should be honest that I’m not looking for anything serious right now, but I’d love to continue this.”
- Enthusiastic Consent is Everything: “How to approach” in this context must include clear, ongoing, and enthusiastic consent. It’s not a “line,” it’s a conversation.
The key, as we explore in our BBW hookup and dating guide, is that respect, honesty, and genuine attraction are the foundations, regardless of how casual the connection is.
Frequently Asked Questions
- Q: What if I get rejected? How do I recover?
- A: You smile, you’re polite, and you walk away with your head held high. “No problem at all. Have a great day/night!” That’s it. How you handle the “no” is a bigger test of character than the approach itself. It’s not a failure; it’s just redirection.
- Q: Is it weird to approach someone who’s with their friends?
- A: It’s intimidating, but not weird if done right. Briefly acknowledge the group (“Hi everyone, sorry to interrupt”), then speak to the person directly (“I just wanted to quickly introduce myself to you”). Keep it very short. If it goes well, say, “I’ll let you get back to your friends, but I’d love to get your number if you’re open to it.”
- Q: How long should I wait to ask for their number?
- A: There’s no timer. Wait for a high point in the conversation. After you’ve shared a good laugh or discovered a strong common interest. “I’m really enjoying this conversation, but I have to get going. Would you be open to exchanging numbers and continuing this over coffee sometime?”
Conclusion: The Art of Making the First Move
The art of making the first move isn’t about having a secret, “perfect” line that works every time. It’s an act of quiet courage. It’s about being authentic and willing to be a little vulnerable to open the door for a new connection.
This can be especially nerve-wracking if you’re re-entering the dating world after a long time, a journey we explore in our guide to dating after divorce. But the fundamentals are timeless.
Be respectful of context. Be genuine in your interest. And be kind to yourself, no matter the outcome. Every time you say “hello,” you’re building a muscle of confidence. You’ve got this.
